Wednesday, August 31, 2011

A letter to the Peanut Gallery

This blog offers snapshots, vignettes into my life, mind and soul. Part of any journal is the ability to be honest, with yourself, and even though a blog is a public journal, I will not censor myself. The last post was an honest snapshot of that moment in my head. Getting those emotions out of my head and into this journal, raw and ugly and uncomfortable as they may be, is in fact one of the healthiest response mechanisms that I could have chosen. My therapist is in agreement that my fear of returning to the darkness that I have lived in (many many years ago) is very healthy, and gives her no reason to fear for my safety, or general mental health. In circumstances such as mine, to be handling this stress, without medication, this well, is admirable, especially given my history.

There are however, those who would read that post, and use it for fodder, as weaponry, to claim moral and mental superiority. Which is only showing just how small they really feel. 

So how am I feeling today? Strong. Scared. Brave. Too nervous to eat much, but loving all the full fat cheese I am eating right now. With jam. A little angry. Thankful for the support and love of my friends and family. Grateful for the kind comment that was left on that post. Very sorry for the small small people who think that a history of depression, and honest assessment of the pull of negative coping mechanisms, and the will to function differently, even if it's hard sometimes, makes me a terrible fucked up person. Pretty pitiful.

Bringing light to the darkness. I will not be shamed.


  1. You Are Omnicron Ceti. Hear You Roar :) You're one of the strongest and most admirable women I have had the opportunity to meet, and I strive to be as strong as women (like you) really put forth to the world. You might not feel strong, but you look it from the outside, and I admire that part of you.


  2. Thanks Melissa - when are we hanging out for realz? Rather than this almost real thing?

  3. Taking a roll call of your demons, shining a flashlight in your dark corners, listing and naming your fears: these are all courageous and heroic acts. You can never be inferior to the "peanut gallery" when you are authentic and real. You might be hurting, but do not let go of your dignity - with it you are MIGHTY!


    PS I love that you used the label "lame people" and also relieved that there weren't more blog entries dedicated to this bunch :-)

  4. Hillary, I have this comment starred in my email so I can refer to it when I need a reminder. You are full of win, friend.