The Problem With America

20 children were gunned down in their bucolic upper middle class suburban public school today. This is the SEVENTH mass shooting in America this year.

You are the problem if you believe your right to bear arms outweighs the right for any citizen to have immediate access to affordable mental health care regardless of their employment status.

You are the problem if you think it is ok that it's easier to buy a gun in America than it is to go to a doctor.

You are the problem if you think that gun regulation is a lost cause because then the black market will take over. The guns used today were legally bought.

You are the problem if you have ever said "Guns don't kill people, people kill people. " TELL THAT TO A PARENT WHO IS LOOKING AT THEIR CHILD WHO JUST DIED OF A FUCKING GUN SHOT WOUND.

Today is my daughter's 9th birthday. I want her to grow up in a world where we do not facilitate gun violence.

I live with a restraining order in my pocket. Threats of gun violence were made against me and my partner. That order will do nothing if the mentally ill person who made those statements decides to make good on it. There are certain guns that no civilian needs, hunter or not. Concealed carry is a fallacy of safety. We need to unbury our heads from the sand and follow other nations who have much stricter laws and lower rates of gun related death. The. End.

Legislate. Regulate. Universal healthcare. Protect our children.

Emergence

Bridger is developing critical thinking and problem solving skills, as evidenced by the following exchange:

Bridger: I want to play trains!

Nora (B's BFF): I want to play doctor!

Bridger: I have an idea... My train is sick!

Brilliantly played young man.

December photo project #1

This is one of the few things I will gift knit this year... Grand plans, life interruptions, but next year, next year I start the gifts in January.

I love this cowl. Beautiful squishy yarn, evergreen Christmas tree hue, but summer leaves climbing. Juxtaposition.

Wear my love

I am knitting furiously for my little man. He has been asking for fingerless mitts for quite sometime, anxiously wanting a pair like mine and his big sissy's. I want to finish them, give him another piece of my intention, whispered prayers, my heart wrapped around those little fingers. I want to give them pieces of me to keep them warm and safe. To serve as tangible reminders of what my love is.

Having children means knowing real fear.

My child is hurt. She will not die. Not today. Probably not tomorrow. But she is hurt. Being hurt. And there is nothing I can do to protect her. I never knew fear like this. The fear that my child might cease to draw breath before I do. The fear that I can not help.

There is no creature more wretched, more tortured, than a mother unable to protect her child. Fear me.

A year ago, I lost my sense of safe in my house. I look over my shoulder now. I lock my doors at night. I am going to spend tonight alone in my house. I am afraid. And alone.

Mother's Day

Bittersweet as this past weekend was, there was certainly more sweet than bitter. A quick getaway to Killington, lazy walks through our beloved mountain, dinner with a dear friend, making breakfast with my littles. Soothing, slow time.

Littles and the canine companion

Walking across Snowshed Slope

Ice Cream in Woodstock

Siblings making mom pancakes

Apple Blossoms

Lacy Woo!

Bella

A Boy, and His Dog

The view from Dominic's

Bella

Bridger

Squee!

On Superstar Quad

These were abundant in the woods - I love them.

Why hello, wild strawberry.

Just before Bridger fell in a hole. Priceless moments...

On the last of the snow pack.

My Family, in a heart shape.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some Days

Some days it takes all my focus to keep the tattered threads of my self neatly in place so I still resemble some kind of cloth. These days I wake up doubting if I can smile through the frustration, uncertainty, pain, furor, sadness, enough to speak a complete sentence. Days my heart races, the tears sit fat and hot on my lashes, panic rising until it presses hard at the top of my palate. Days it hurts to take each next breath. Days I wish I could sleep and sleep and never wake.

Today is one of those days. There are so many of them, it seems.

WiP Wednesday

Disclaimer: I have many, many works in progress in my stash cabinet. They don't count. Really. When I reorganize, Ravel, and move my stash into the living room, I intend to find each abandoned project and *finish them*. Really.

For now though, my "home" project is this lovely hoodie from KnitPicks. The yarn is soft, and smooshy - I think it's the country tweed, DK weight.

I love the detail in the cuff and waist, adds a little interest to an otherwise plain easy knit. Can. Not. Wait. To. Wear. This. Because it's for me!

And the "to go" project, baby cable ribbed socks for Bridger. I'm using the recipe from the Terrific Toe-Up Socks book, but winging the numbers. Already I think I needed the toe to start with 2 more stitches, so it could be broader. It's a little nipplesque at the moment.

Thankfully I have to make two, so I can experiment. Oh, and baby cables? Genius. So easy. My mom uses them as a design detail a lot, but I never knew how to do it. Thank you YouTube. Stupid-easy. Score!

Maybe, just maybe, I'll make next week's WiP Wednesday a 'coming out of the closet', and get all those unfinished lovelies out. Because the only way to solve a problem is to get a good look at it first, right?

Spring Lilacs

Despite our wacky winter that wasn't, and summer in March, the past few weeks have really felt like spring - verdant, fresh, new. My dear friend C has the most beautiful yard, whimsical and earthy, and her lilacs defy explanation. The fragrance is unreal, one of my favorite smells.

I walked around her yard a few days ago, and saw this butterfly, and thought maybe I will fly away soon too, new in shape and form. Maybe my spring is here.

Finished Object Friday!

*drumroll please* 

Aren't they PRETTY!!!???!!!

Squee, Swoon, all I want to do now is knit a lot of socks...

My very first pair of socks!! *SQUEE!* I used a faux cable pattern from "Terrific Toe-Up Socks" (I love the instructions in that book, but the title makes me think of nails on chalkboard.) I used Alpaca Socks, from Classic Elite (I think?) - it so so soft and squishy. Love. Love. Love.

The only thing I don't LOVE about toe up construction is the ninja star of death (pictured below) that is the first 20 or so rows. It's making me think about figuring out this magic loop thing. But hey, knitting socks was on my to-do list for this year, and the year is not even half done! What's one more scary thing to conquer...

ninjadeathstar *shudder*

So I was tired and punchy last night, and as they were drying it occurred to me that they look like a mustache sitting on the sill...

She Loves Them, which makes me so freaking happy.

Returning

How things have changed in six months, and my, how they are still the same.

Divorce is a long, ugly, painful process. I am still getting divorced. It is a soul-sucking process. Some days I wake up and marvel that there is still any light in my being. But then I think that fire is a purifying element. I am walking through hell, and will emerge stronger, distilled, free. Even this, as awful as it is, is better than what I was living in for years.

But I don't want this space to only be tears and woe. I am multifaceted, and there is much joy and beauty in my daily life. So I will still post about food and knitting and yoga and school (I am finally back in school - my life on my terms!!) and kids and politics and triumphantly crow from this soapbox.

So pull up a chair, let's brew a pot of tea and chat. Welcome back.