Thursday, January 21, 2010

Knitting in a Wii World

I think at this point if you don't have a Wii, you know someone who does. With your Wii you can do virtually anything. I like to throw myself off big mountains in the Wii Skii, but not really. So many of us 'talk' to each other on Facebook or Twitter, but it's not real conversation. This blog, the blogosphere, communities, that are real, but they aren't, too. In this world of things that are, but not really, I cling to my illusions of being something real, doing things that are real, embodied in my yarn.

I am a yarn crack whore. Total addict. It's BAD... I just love yarn. I'm certainly partial to wool, but any natural fiber will do. I rarely make it out of a yarn store with empty hands. I have a whole stretch of cabinets to hold the stash, and countless works-in-progress. That's been something I'm working on, a growing edge if you will, actually finishing a project before I cheat on it with some new, softer, knubblier ball of yarn. With my knitter's ADD I've learned to keep to small projects, that give quicker satisfaction, like hats, mittens, or baby gear. Although I swear I'll finish Bridger's baby blanket before he goes to college. Or at least by the time his first child is born.

But beyond the yarn fetish, the physical and spiritual act of knitting is a healing salve for my high-idle self. It forces me to sit, become the process, and enter a quiet space. The actions ofthe needles are quite like the sat-nam in meditation, just the simple quiet focus of breath, or yarn.

As with cooking I find knitting for others to be a nurturing act. I can literally wrap the intended recipient in my love, carried in each stitch.

But even more than any of this I cling to the realness of my yarn. With a strand I can make something of nothing. Knitting is truly alchemy. A series of loops, with a single knot at the beginning. And broken down even further, there is only one stitch - as knits and purls are simply the reverse of each other. A knit garment is a fraud, a shape-shifter. Yet with that ethereal nothingness a myriad of things can be created, things I can feel, touch, breathe into, wear.

Sometimes I question my version of this world. I know that I can look at an object, and call it blue, and someone else may do the same, but does it look the same to them? Is everything I believe to be true experienced by others? Big questions... so overwhelming. So I sit down with my yarn, and make a tangible hold on the world.

Bridger modeling my very first original design:

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Floating, Lost

Tonight I feel lost... Somehow, the people of Massachusetts decided that a GOP pretty boy was the right choice... good bye rights... is it just that my generation doesn't know what it is to not have bodily autonomy, so there is apathy at the thought of losing that right? At some level I mourn TK again tonight. I always felt he was MY senator. Now I feel unrepresented. How alien.

Returned home today from a four day tornadic visit to Ohio. Visiting ghosts of a previous life. Seeing babies that look so much like my baby, but grew in some other womb. Knowing now that it was not being A father that was the issue, just being HER father.

Not understanding. Befuddled. Wanting clarity. Going to sit in the dark quiet of my mind now, to let the answers come as they wish.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


Excuses first... Bridger managed to pry the space key off my computer so typing now involves pressing the white sensor just so to get a space. So I've been a bit lazy about anything involved with typing... In the next few days I should have some shots of THE birthday (Bella and Rob share their day), and Christmas. But first, my day, and reflections on the new year. Cause hey, it's my blog :) me me me time!

Yesterday was my 31st birthday. I woke up, and pretty much had one of those 'why am I in this handbasket, and where are we going?' moments. I just couldn't fathom where the last 10 years had gone, how I ended up where I am. As I mused on that feeling throughout the day, I came to the realization that I have spent the bulk of my life waiting for it to happen. I've fallen victim to the 'when' syndrome - I'll be happy when... I get x done, I meet someone, I make more money. Bullshit.

So here is my intention for this next year, more properly for the rest of my life. I will be present. Mindful. Joyous.

And I think the universe agrees... Went to lunch at PF Chang's with a friend from a former life. My fortune read "one must not pursue happiness. one must create happiness".