Knitting in a Wii World

I think at this point if you don't have a Wii, you know someone who does. With your Wii you can do virtually anything. I like to throw myself off big mountains in the Wii Skii, but not really. So many of us 'talk' to each other on Facebook or Twitter, but it's not real conversation. This blog, the blogosphere, communities, that are real, but they aren't, too. In this world of things that are, but not really, I cling to my illusions of being something real, doing things that are real, embodied in my yarn.

I am a yarn crack whore. Total addict. It's BAD... I just love yarn. I'm certainly partial to wool, but any natural fiber will do. I rarely make it out of a yarn store with empty hands. I have a whole stretch of cabinets to hold the stash, and countless works-in-progress. That's been something I'm working on, a growing edge if you will, actually finishing a project before I cheat on it with some new, softer, knubblier ball of yarn. With my knitter's ADD I've learned to keep to small projects, that give quicker satisfaction, like hats, mittens, or baby gear. Although I swear I'll finish Bridger's baby blanket before he goes to college. Or at least by the time his first child is born.

But beyond the yarn fetish, the physical and spiritual act of knitting is a healing salve for my high-idle self. It forces me to sit, become the process, and enter a quiet space. The actions ofthe needles are quite like the sat-nam in meditation, just the simple quiet focus of breath, or yarn.

As with cooking I find knitting for others to be a nurturing act. I can literally wrap the intended recipient in my love, carried in each stitch.

But even more than any of this I cling to the realness of my yarn. With a strand I can make something of nothing. Knitting is truly alchemy. A series of loops, with a single knot at the beginning. And broken down even further, there is only one stitch - as knits and purls are simply the reverse of each other. A knit garment is a fraud, a shape-shifter. Yet with that ethereal nothingness a myriad of things can be created, things I can feel, touch, breathe into, wear.

Sometimes I question my version of this world. I know that I can look at an object, and call it blue, and someone else may do the same, but does it look the same to them? Is everything I believe to be true experienced by others? Big questions... so overwhelming. So I sit down with my yarn, and make a tangible hold on the world.

Bridger modeling my very first original design:

Food Allergies Suck, or, Why I Think 'The Secret' is (mainly) Bullshit

Bridger seems to be increasingly sensitive to eggs. On Wednesday my dear friend C came over with Nora for breakfast. I made waffles, which involved seperating egg whites and yolks. I let the white drain through my hands, but as always, washed my hands well in hot soapy water before touching anything. Fast forward about an hour... Bridger, who was shirtless (flashing those little man-boobs) because it was hot, developed what looked like a cluster of mosquito bites on his back, which in about five minutes has spread to his stomach. Now, with all this rain, there have been a few buzzers in the house, but not enough to do that. B had shared a new brand of rice puffs with Nora, so while C called the company to inquire if they share their processing facilities with any egg products, I re-read the information I have on egg allergy, and then began to think that it may have been contact. The hives were only where my hands go to pick him up. Call to the doc confirmed that that is the only possibility that makes sense.

This makes me pretty nervous, to be truthful. Each reaction has required less egg. The last time he reacted from consumption he had a TEASPOON of a large (12 inch diameter) pan full of gratin that had a SINGLE egg in it. Result? Covered in hives, and puking. Now this time I touch eggs, I touch him, and that contact point is covered in hives, and oh yeah, he ended up puking. I keep repeating in my head, 'he'll grow out of it, he'll grow out of it'. But until then, eggs are EVERYWHERE. Even the flu shot is grown in eggs, so that's off the table this winter. Thank goodness it looks like he has no plans to stop nursing, so I can at least give him any immunity I have. But yeah, this food allergy thing? It sucks. It never was on my radar, we have no family history of food allergies, I followed all the new 'rules' given to me by the doc regarding solids. And yet, here we are. Which brings me to the second part of the post title...

In YTT last weekend we watch the movie 'The Secret'. The book was endorsed by Oprah a while ago. I had heard some buzz, but really didn't know what the premise was, and thus tried to watch the insuing woo-fest with an open mind. What a mistake. The first third of the movie was dedicated to telling you, dear viewer, that anything that has gone 'wrong' in your life you have created with your negative thoughts. Now, as a survivor of sexual assault, I can tell you categorically that I did not THINK my way into being raped. And that Bridger is NOT allergic to eggs for any other reason than his immune system rejecting a protein. That whole section I was really kibbing out - it's been a long time since I sat through a trigger like that. Here are some notes that I took: 'OFFENSIVE', 'where does free will come into play?', 'sometimes shit just happens', 'I BELIEVE one cannot control what happens to us, but one can control how we react to our circumstances', 'skeptical because they are claiming to have THE ANSWER'. There are things in life we just can't control, and this thinking totally ignores that, but at the same time lets you off the hook for the things in life you have control of, the things that you can do to mitigate your circumstances. And wow, talk about blaming the victim in the incidence of violence and tragedy!

Now, in fairness, the movie wasn't a total loss. Once they got past claiming that you can think your way into a 4 million dollar house (how is that the measure of happiness and success, anyway?), there were some good points about gratitude. And I do think that positive thinking is important - we used Hypnobirthing for Bridger, and that labor preparation involved affirmations and 'visualizing' the birth that I wanted. I've used visualization in riding. But all the affirmations in the world sometimes don't play out. Shit still happens, and not because we didn't manifest our intentions well enough.

I think the real measure of success is how one deals with the shit in life, because all life is with some hardship, some pain. I think it's necessary; the heat, pressure and stress all mold us into stronger beings, if we let it. Our bones require stress to lay down new tissue to grow and strengthen. Carbon requires high heat and terrible pressure to become a diamond. My aim is to survive and thrive, regardless of the hand I am dealt.

Time to get packed up to head north - think if I wish hard enough the car won't need any gas?