A letter to the Peanut Gallery

This blog offers snapshots, vignettes into my life, mind and soul. Part of any journal is the ability to be honest, with yourself, and even though a blog is a public journal, I will not censor myself. The last post was an honest snapshot of that moment in my head. Getting those emotions out of my head and into this journal, raw and ugly and uncomfortable as they may be, is in fact one of the healthiest response mechanisms that I could have chosen. My therapist is in agreement that my fear of returning to the darkness that I have lived in (many many years ago) is very healthy, and gives her no reason to fear for my safety, or general mental health. In circumstances such as mine, to be handling this stress, without medication, this well, is admirable, especially given my history.

There are however, those who would read that post, and use it for fodder, as weaponry, to claim moral and mental superiority. Which is only showing just how small they really feel. 

So how am I feeling today? Strong. Scared. Brave. Too nervous to eat much, but loving all the full fat cheese I am eating right now. With jam. A little angry. Thankful for the support and love of my friends and family. Grateful for the kind comment that was left on that post. Very sorry for the small small people who think that a history of depression, and honest assessment of the pull of negative coping mechanisms, and the will to function differently, even if it's hard sometimes, makes me a terrible fucked up person. Pretty pitiful.

Bringing light to the darkness. I will not be shamed.

Old familiar friends

I have a really colorful mental health history. I have spent this half of my life constructing different paradigms, learning appropriate coping mechanisms, being on various medications, learning to live without those medications, because detoxing too fast while your insurance runs out really fucking sucks.

But, at the end of it all, and first in my mind, is that these shadowy ways are my first line of defense. Life gets difficult, the pressure mounts, and I. Cease. To. Function. Too much intensity. So much FEELING. Too much. Can't. Feel. All. Of. This. Can't. Can't. Fuck. This. Need. To. Feel. Something Different. Need to put the feeling somewhere else. Compartmentalize. Give the amorphous nebulous web of flying thoughts a definitive place, a home, something physical to label it, make it real and definable. Beg to have some control of my mind, my life, the shit storm that has exploded.

I, without trying, have lost a noticeable amount of weight. But it feels really good. To have spaces that are absent of flesh. To be negative space. To see the cage below my collarbones. It feels familiar, comfortable. I find myself enjoying the gnaw of hunger at 3 in the afternoon, the buzzy feel of faintness. That scares me.

It scares me that I have put an elastic on my wrist to snap it, to make it hurt. Because all I want to do, all the god damn time, is to cut something. Somewhere. That my kids can't see. To give all the hurt a certain undeniable location, form, cause.

Now, before the choir begins to sing concern, or blame, be quiet. 

I AM SCARED. 

And that is very good and very healthy.

So shut the fuck up. 

Let me flounder. I will figure my shit out. I take responsibility for my part in allowing my life to become this cesspool of blame, cause and dysfunction. I pray that those close to me try to understand what part I didn't have in it. That there is a greater evil; Addiction ruins wonderful people - doesn't matter what the substance is, it's the behavior that breaks down the living. That there are multiple victims. That I am not completely to blame. That I am broken down (4, 11, 12, 19), and need to find a way to grow out of the muck. I do not need concern, or pity. I need compassion. And understanding.

That is all.

behind my eyelids

Lie images, sounds, the should-haves, ever present. Steam appearing from a vent. Bubbling concealed blood in a cold throat. My daughter's lower lashes as they moistened with tears, her dignity as she stood and declared, 'i need a moment to collect my thoughts'. 7 year old thoughts. How many times every day do I make choices, so seemingly innocuous, only to find each weighs heavy with implication. I never want to choose again. I wish to be motionless, impactless, unknown and unseen. I want to scrub the back of my eyelids clean.

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Farm Share Weeks 9 & 10

Well, I'm only catching up on one week. A vast improvement on last month, no? We take what we can get around here.

So, Week 9 - August 2nd. Table looks naked, right? No bulk for the first week in quite a while! I did have a back-up of corn however, so Rebecca and I made some FREAKIN' FABULOUS Sweet Summer Corn Relish which is only slightly better topping a veggie burger with country catsup than it is straight out of the jar on a spoon.

Baguette, Lettuce, Zucchini, Cukes, Corn, Green Beans (which became Dilly Beans), Tomatoes, Kale,  Melon, Blueberries

Ingredients for the Corn Relish - it was really lovely to look at.

After cooking in the brine, ready for the jars.

Theo and Bridger making mischief while the Corn Fest goes on.

Finished product. Sweet nommyness!

I also took some pictures at the depot last week. I LOVE walking into the depot, the sights, smells, the wonderment of what we may be getting, it renders me squeaky and bouncy. Literally a kid in a candy shop.

Bread and Chef Share - the herbs were three varieties of basil bundled together. The smell. Oh Lord, the smell.

Walking up to the pick-up.

Beets, the color was really lovely.

Fruit Share Table

Some of the veggie choices

Corn!

Take Table

Our inappropriate Eggplant. Yes, some people might see that and think, oh, a nose, a mitten. Me? I think something else...

Week #10 - August 9th. Back to bulk. The end of pickling cukes, and peaches. There will be Quicker Kosher Dills, Cucumber Relish, Bread and Butters, and as many quarts of peaches in syrup as I can manage by the end of this week. In other news, I am officially joining the Farm Direct Coop's team at the Salem Depot. I am beyond thrilled. Woot!

Mammoth Take today - Corn, Carrots, Kale, Celery, Lettuce, Eggplant, Peppers, Summer Squash, Tomatoes , Green Peppers, Hot Peppers (squee!), Baguette, Cheddar, Gouda, Watermelon, Peaches.

40 pounds of peaches, 10 pounds of cucumbers. Goodness to come...

Seismic Activity

The earth is moving beneath my feet. Sand flows through an hourglass. Shifting, tremors. I do not know where or how I may land. I carry with me my light within, my breath, my hope. I pray. Love is greater than fear. Act out of love.

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