Friday, March 29, 2013


Trending downward... So tired, all of the time. Every waking moment is a struggle to not cry, not scream, pretending to smile, breathe in an iron chest. No space no air. I know there is an eventual end, but when just pretending to be ok takes all of my energy, there is nothing left to operate on in this crazy life. Trapped, if I acted on all the things I wish I could do, I would be lost. Everything I'm working for gone, but god it hurts. There is nowhere to put the hurt and fear and the desperation. I hear the murmurs, the placation, you're fine, you're strong and I want to scream bullshit. I am hollowed out and apathetic. I can not feel anymore. I don't want to feel. Just so done. So many plans. And no recourse. Cornered.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

WIP Wednesday vs Fantasy Knitting Life

Oh my, there is just so much I want to knit. My queue on Rav is over 20 projects, my favorites and library well over 100, but alas, so little time...

For now, I have made awesome progress on Talise, I've split for the armholes, and am working on the back yoke. I did find a bit of errata, but did the mathz and think I have it right.

My Mom's shawl has been a journey... To be polite. I started with Dream in Color's Wisp, and the Haruni pattern. I felt the yarn was too thin and not really showing off the lace. So I frogged, and found some gorgeous alpaca dk. Which has such a glowing halo the lace was lost. Gah! Mom LOVES the Wisp, so I went pattern searching, and think I'm going to make her an Omelet. That goes on needles this weekend.

Lastly is a little portable project, from Never Not Knitting's new collection Botanical Knits. I love each piece in this book, and the photography is worth the cost alone. Just beautiful. I'm working on the twin leaf loop, but, in a theme it seems, I'm not loving the yarn I pulled out if stash for it. I do like the pattern, and this will go into gift stash, but I hate not loving my projects.

I am being lazy and will link tomorrow. Edited to add... IT'S TOMORROW - I linked!

Monday, March 11, 2013

Fair-Isle, a life allegory

Isabella took her first step on her first birthday. She took a single step, fell down, and proceeded to continue just creeping along the furniture for another three weeks, unwilling to let go and risk falling, failing, again.

I am exactly that creature. I refuse to be bad at things. I either do things well, or not at all. If I identify something that I might fail at, I work to practice the component skills, until I can be sure another attempt will be successful. This analysis paralysis, this need for perfection, or excellence at the least can be limiting, but at last I am finding a willingness to try new things again, to risk failure a second time.

As evidenced by stranded knitting. I had always left colorwork to my infinitely talented mother, to scared to try. I knit many things, but none in more than one color. Or big stripes than were a simple change from one color to the next. Five years into my knitting life, pregnant with Bridger, I found an adorable blanket pattern, a baby and mommy elephant, complete with blankets on the elephants that carried four colors. I finished the intarsia portion, with minimal trouble, but failed miserably at the two tiny stranded blankets. That blanket is still in its bag, unfinished. I keep jokingly say that I'll finish it for one of his kids. So for the past five years, I have knit more items, lace, cables, but not color.

Until now. I discovered the Never Not Knitting podcast, and in listening to the archives, followed another knitter's journey into new techniques. She referenced a pattern for a beret, a perfect pattern for knitters new to stranded colorwork. I looked it up, thought it was cute, and propelled by the gauntlet that Mom threw down last month, I decided to look in the stash for appropriate yarn, and cast on. I looked up videos, and got a few clutch tips from the ladies in my knitting group, and actually did it. I did it! And I love it.

Fear can be so limiting. But I have learned that fear is a constant companion in my life, so I will use it as the force to make me leave what is safe, and familiar, and easy for me. It's not brave if I'm not scared, and the rewards of leaving my safe place have proved worthwhile. Maybe I can show my daughter it's ok to fail in the pursuit of learning. Fail, get up, fail better next time.