Friday, March 29, 2013
Trending downward... So tired, all of the time. Every waking moment is a struggle to not cry, not scream, pretending to smile, breathe in an iron chest. No space no air. I know there is an eventual end, but when just pretending to be ok takes all of my energy, there is nothing left to operate on in this crazy life. Trapped, if I acted on all the things I wish I could do, I would be lost. Everything I'm working for gone, but god it hurts. There is nowhere to put the hurt and fear and the desperation. I hear the murmurs, the placation, you're fine, you're strong and I want to scream bullshit. I am hollowed out and apathetic. I can not feel anymore. I don't want to feel. Just so done. So many plans. And no recourse. Cornered.