Knitting in a Wii World

I think at this point if you don't have a Wii, you know someone who does. With your Wii you can do virtually anything. I like to throw myself off big mountains in the Wii Skii, but not really. So many of us 'talk' to each other on Facebook or Twitter, but it's not real conversation. This blog, the blogosphere, communities, that are real, but they aren't, too. In this world of things that are, but not really, I cling to my illusions of being something real, doing things that are real, embodied in my yarn.

I am a yarn crack whore. Total addict. It's BAD... I just love yarn. I'm certainly partial to wool, but any natural fiber will do. I rarely make it out of a yarn store with empty hands. I have a whole stretch of cabinets to hold the stash, and countless works-in-progress. That's been something I'm working on, a growing edge if you will, actually finishing a project before I cheat on it with some new, softer, knubblier ball of yarn. With my knitter's ADD I've learned to keep to small projects, that give quicker satisfaction, like hats, mittens, or baby gear. Although I swear I'll finish Bridger's baby blanket before he goes to college. Or at least by the time his first child is born.

But beyond the yarn fetish, the physical and spiritual act of knitting is a healing salve for my high-idle self. It forces me to sit, become the process, and enter a quiet space. The actions ofthe needles are quite like the sat-nam in meditation, just the simple quiet focus of breath, or yarn.

As with cooking I find knitting for others to be a nurturing act. I can literally wrap the intended recipient in my love, carried in each stitch.

But even more than any of this I cling to the realness of my yarn. With a strand I can make something of nothing. Knitting is truly alchemy. A series of loops, with a single knot at the beginning. And broken down even further, there is only one stitch - as knits and purls are simply the reverse of each other. A knit garment is a fraud, a shape-shifter. Yet with that ethereal nothingness a myriad of things can be created, things I can feel, touch, breathe into, wear.

Sometimes I question my version of this world. I know that I can look at an object, and call it blue, and someone else may do the same, but does it look the same to them? Is everything I believe to be true experienced by others? Big questions... so overwhelming. So I sit down with my yarn, and make a tangible hold on the world.

Bridger modeling my very first original design:

Floating, Lost

Tonight I feel lost... Somehow, the people of Massachusetts decided that a GOP pretty boy was the right choice... good bye rights... is it just that my generation doesn't know what it is to not have bodily autonomy, so there is apathy at the thought of losing that right? At some level I mourn TK again tonight. I always felt he was MY senator. Now I feel unrepresented. How alien.

Returned home today from a four day tornadic visit to Ohio. Visiting ghosts of a previous life. Seeing babies that look so much like my baby, but grew in some other womb. Knowing now that it was not being A father that was the issue, just being HER father.

Not understanding. Befuddled. Wanting clarity. Going to sit in the dark quiet of my mind now, to let the answers come as they wish.

Presence

Excuses first... Bridger managed to pry the space key off my computer so typing now involves pressing the white sensor just so to get a space. So I've been a bit lazy about anything involved with typing... In the next few days I should have some shots of THE birthday (Bella and Rob share their day), and Christmas. But first, my day, and reflections on the new year. Cause hey, it's my blog :) me me me time!

Yesterday was my 31st birthday. I woke up, and pretty much had one of those 'why am I in this handbasket, and where are we going?' moments. I just couldn't fathom where the last 10 years had gone, how I ended up where I am. As I mused on that feeling throughout the day, I came to the realization that I have spent the bulk of my life waiting for it to happen. I've fallen victim to the 'when' syndrome - I'll be happy when... I get x done, I meet someone, I make more money. Bullshit.

So here is my intention for this next year, more properly for the rest of my life. I will be present. Mindful. Joyous.

And I think the universe agrees... Went to lunch at PF Chang's with a friend from a former life. My fortune read "one must not pursue happiness. one must create happiness".

If I ever need a reminder of why I love my husband, make me read this post...

I never saw myself as the 'marrying type'. Growing up I didn't fantasize about my wedding, or envision my life as a married woman. I have always been fiercely independent, not wanting to rely on anyone but myself. After Isabella was born, I dated a little, but as she morphed into a toddler, I found myself being really comfortable with the idea of it just being me and her, together always. I didn't need a man, didn't want one. Just thought I'd have a 'friend' around, so as to not always have to rely on a BOB. And then I met Rob. And found myself wanting to share my life with him.

Recently he got in a Facebook shit fest with a woman who insisted as the wife, she is automatically, always RIGHT. That got Rob going, and at one point in the exchange, he wrote this about our marriage:

I thought the JOP at our wedding said it very well; it's not about who is up and who is down, nothing to do with being even. That's impossible. So the best way to surpass the notion that one spousal partner is in a stronger position is to think that way. Financial earning power has nothing to do with this balance either, because if a marriage is going to work both partners contribute something meaningful that goes beyond money. I make more money than Mira at the moment, but she raises our children most of the time and cleans my underwear. And she works weekends to get our ski passes, to which I also contribute by raising the children while she works. So what she does, even though it doesn't bring actual money in, has tremendous value. I think the bottom line is that both partners work together to become greater than the sum of their parts in a successful marriage. And eventually I suspect that once the kids are in school Mira will probably earn more than me because she's ambitious and smart and has boobs and in my profession even the really good engineers top out at around 100k-125k. I have no problem with that because like I said, it's not about keeping it even.

I so needed to hear that. There are times when I feel like my time, my work, is less valued because there is little to no monetary value attached to it. To know that my partner values our life machinery, and what we both put in to make it work was exactly the balm I needed. And the bewbs comment was Rob's snark :) But really, his comment showed me how my husband truly lives our vows, day to day. It was a gentle, loving reminder for me to have that same faith. In the months after our wedding, I often felt like being married was like walking through the world in a hug, silently supported in love. I had forgotten that feeling, and his words brought it back for me.

From our vows:

Will you love and respect her, be honest with her always, and work by her side to achieve the things you both value and dream of, so you can genuinely share your lives together?

...my partner in life and my one true love. I will cherish our union and love you more each day than I did the day before. I will trust you and respect you, laugh with you and cry with you, loving you faithfully through good times and bad, regardless of the obstacles we may face together. I give you my hand, my heart, and my love, from this day forward for as long as we both shall live.

I will love you through good times and bad times, through joy and through sorrow. I will be understanding, and trust in you completely. Together we will face all of life's experiences and share one another's dreams and goals. I promise I will be your equal partner in a loving, honest relationship.

Squee...

Growing

One of the things I love most about being a mother is watching my kids grow into autonomous beings. I love getting glimpses into the workings of their minds. Bridger is everyday becoming more verbal, and wow what a climber he is. Truly my mountain man. Isabella yesterday pulled out The Robot. NO IDEA where she got it, but wowie! She's good. Here's a video:

But the wild life are not the only evolving beings around here. I am drawing to the end of yoga teacher training. It's funny, because in my previous, before children life, I taught riding, and trained horses. So the teaching part is home for me, it's the yoga part that is new. I subbed two classes this week, and after tonight's class, I felt for the first time like I was integrating the me that was with the me that is right now. I recognized myself, I'm still me. What a relief.

Thanksgiving has come and gone, and I am just so thankful, everyday, for the bright souls that I journey with. They light my way.

Taxation

Health-care reform is hot hot hot right now. Lots swirling about whether or not people's taxes will be used to fund abortion. This makes me spit. Abortion is a LEGAL MEDICAL PROCEDURE. There would be much gnashing of teeth if an amendment were proposed banning the use of public dollars for vasectomy. Or angioplasty. I could perhaps see putting restrictions on purely elective abortion coverage - in the same way non-cancerous mole removal are generally not covered by public (and some private) insurance. But to not cover a medically-necessary procedure, be it abortion or chemotherapy, is unconscionable.

Why is it the same people who scream and stamp their feet about a (gasp) government take-over of health care are so eager to see the government involved in women's health care? Why are these things not left to women and their doctors? Not to mention why those who decry government involvement in anything want the government to tell a whole population that they can't get married (oh wait different post).

Look at it this way: millions of Americans find abortion morally reprehensible, and they believe their tax dollars should not go to pay for something they find morally reprehensible. I find pre-emptive war morally reprehensible, as do millions of others. Why should my tax money be used to pay for that? I'd love to know that my taxes didn't go to the war. But this is not how the system works, folks.

Abortion is legal. It needs to be kept legal. And women who are on public health care should not be made pawns in these political games. Legal, medical procedures that a doctor deems necessary should be covered by insurance. Period.

On Foliage and Fear

It's been a cold October here in New England. Last week we had snow (in Boston!), early indeed. We made our annual sojourn to Killington for Columbus Day weekend, for the big ski sale that the Ski Club puts on, and for Isabella to join the Hopefuls Hike, up to Killington Peak. The last time I did that group hike I was 10. Deja vu - my coach that first year lead our group up this year.

Isabella has hiked peak-down several times, the last being Columbus Day '08 - Bridger was 4 weeks old. It was a beautiful mild day. Here's a pic:

This year was cold - forecast was 45 and sunny - not so much. It snowed (squeeeee!) as we hiked past the Glades. Isabella looked up at the sky and declared 'I'm so proud of you sky, for making it snow!' Pure now. In my head I was bursting, so proud that she hiked up to the peak, in really good time and with such heart.

Here we are, by East Glade on Great Northern. Bridger was having a mid-hike snack...

I love fall foliage. It's part of why I love living in New England so much. Something within me rotates with the turn of the seasons. It's like some kind of metronome in my soul. However, as the leaves begin to turn, there is always the mummur that begins, 'here comes winter', 'I hate the snow', 'I'm dreading the cold'. Honestly people, if you hate winter that much, Florida is a quick plane ride away... This fear of winter makes people unaware of the glory around them, the beauty of a changing palate...

But really, there is no such thing as fear. Fear is the absence, the lack of being in the moment. Think about it, when presented with a perilous situation, we jump into action, we react. The feeling of fear appears when we either look ahead to what might happen, or peer into the past at what might happen again. We miss the moment at hand. So rather than look at the changing leaves with dread (or joy) at the winter ahead, take a moment, feel the breath on your nostrils, and be aware of this moment, and the beauty around you.