Dumb and Lucky

"She made some comment about being thirsty at the end of school. It was right when it was really hot. Then the wounds that took a while to heal. And the insomnia... And I didn't know she had actually lost weight until they weighed her at the er. Each thing could be explained alone, and none was so glaring. But put it all together... I had an actual conversation with Rich musing that sometimes I thought she might be diabetic, but then put it off until her physical. I'm just so glad she wasn't in dka. I'd feel so guilty then. Now I just feel dumb and lucky."

This was a conversation with my friend C, written last night. This post will not be eloquent, or cogent. I'm too raw for that.

Isabella has diabetes. My daughter is a diabetic. MY DAUGHTER HAS A CHRONIC DISEASE. IT WILL NOT GO AWAY. IT MIGHT EVEN KILL HER. And I had an inkling, a hunch, and I ignored it. I wrote it off. I am a fucking paramedic and I didn't see it. My baby was sick. I did not see it.

I took Isabella to have an infected finger drained Sunday morning. In the evening she ran a temp so we went back to our local ER as per discharge instructions. They did a urine dip just o rule out a UTI. It came back. Our focus then changed. Massive amounts of glucose in her piss. A finger stick. 438. Fuck fuck fuck. There's no other real reason. An IV, labs,. Some good news, no DKA yet, only slightly elevated creatinine, her kidneys were not yet in a bad way. Transfer to boston, drive to MGH in the middle of the night because GOD DAMMIT I will not be that medically unnecessary BLS transfer at 1 am. Pedi ER, insulin, IV fluids, tears creeping up when she isn't' looking. Admission. Specialists. So many doctors. I give our history just like she was my patient, they call me on it. Time to be a mommy.

We met our team. Dr McGill is sweet and kind, reassuring. First round of education so we can go home. I give my girl her insulin. It feels unreal. I haven't slept. Rich went home, Kat came to be a ride home and the rock that she is. I pick up all of our medicine and syringes, we are discharged. Home. 38 hours. No sleep.

"I'll never feel like a normal kid again."
"I can't believe I have to do this for the rest of my life."

Me neither.

She is amazing, my girl. The next day she did her own finger stick in the morning, and by evening had done her own insulin injections. She's taking this and running with it. New normal. We will find it.

Let's talk for a moment about insurance and gratitude. Before insurance a month supply of insulin, both kinds, and the test strips and syringes, all the bells and whistles... TWO THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS. After...Two Hundred and Thirty. Gratitude.

HOLY SHIT. Isabella is diabetic. It sounds so strange. She tells everyone she meets, strangers. I ask her if she's trying it out, to see how sounds. She nods.

I blinked. Life changed.

10 Things - Wanderlust Edition

This past Saturday I had the immense joy of attending the Wanderlust Festival held in Stratton, VT. Wanderlust is a yoga and music festival, that until this year had only been held in Tahoe. When I heard they were coming east I knew I had to go, at least for one day, and I am so, so, so glad I did. The energy was sky high, even in the misty mountain rain, it was life and love affirming.

 Please check out my ski (and now yoga) sister - Female Ski Bum's account of our spectacular day.

Life Sisters

Handstand at the peak, with the bear. And my  belly.

Acro yoga - gotta work up the balls to try this.

Waiting for the concert to start in the rain - it cleared just in time for the show to start. I saw the space station and a shooting star during the show!

Michael Franti

Here are 10 thoughts, quotes, musings I took away with me:

1.  Be playfully serious, and seriously playful. ~ Desiree Rumbaugh
2.  Speak, act, think as you want your life and your world to be, not as it is. ~ Desiree Rumbaugh
3.  Dare to live in the light of your heart. ~ Elena Brower
4. The people who need our light the most are those who challenge us. Soften to them. Offer your best intention. Think, maybe it's me.
5. Alignment is the key to freedom. ~ John Friend
6. A yoga 'class' with Michael Franti and Seane Corne was possibly the most Connected I've ever felt - to my community, to the spirit of giving and healing, to love, to the one, ever, in my life. Live acoustic set, while doing asana? Amazing. I cried.
7. I love to dance. I don't do it nearly often enough.
8. Michael Franti puts on a great show. He touched my hand!
9. Yoga can produce great change, both in the hearts of those who practice, and in the world.
10. Love is stronger than fear. ~ Desiree Rumbaugh